


and i will be here (when only silence remains)

by Malik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M, Niall-centric, Ziall-Centric OT5, brief mentions of louis/aiden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:49:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malik/pseuds/Malik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Niall's boyfriends stops caring and Niall stops eating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Niall is standing in front of the body-mirror in his room, frowning at what he sees. He tries to suck in his stomach but to no use. He's still fat. Slowly, like he knows he shouldn't, he touches the skin under his cheek, he can feel it jiggle and the fat is still there. Even though he hasn't eaten more than 12 raspberries (15 calories) and one celery stalk (16 calories) in the last two days, his face is still chubby. He still takes up too much space; in the band, in world, in the relationship. He's still fat. 

Niall is too preoccupied with studying his self-claimed vile self to detect that Louis walks in through the door. Louis sits down on Niall's bed, looking at his boyfriend with a small smile on his face.

“You're not pretty enough to stare at yourself in that mirror as much as you do, Nialler.” Louis' voice startles Niall, but the blonde boy is soon back on track and gives his oldest boyfriend a wide grin.

“I know” He thinks “Still prettier than you.” He laughs and earns a small huff from Louis.

“Have you seen yourself? You got nothing on me. I'm fucking gorgeous, and you're. Well. You're you.” He says, smiling. But there's something behind his smile, something Niall can't quite put his finger on.

“I know” Niall thinks again, praying for Louis to shut up, but he doesn't.

He never shuts up anymore. None of his boyfriends does. None except Zayn of course.

Zayn doesn’t talk to Niall at all.

“You've put on some weight, haven't you Nialler? Maybe you should cut off on the pizza a bit? Can't have a chubby in the band, now can we?” Louis doesn't smile any more, he just looks at Niall with blank eyes through the mirror.

Niall just laughs again, mumbles something that sounds like “twat” between the laughs. He doesn't even put words into the thought “I know” this time. Because he knows, he truly does.

He's still smiling when Louis says “come on chubby” and drags him out of the room. He's still smiling when he promises that he will fast for the rest of the weekend.

 

**xXx**

 

He doesn't smile the next morning, when he sneaks out of the boys shared bedroom and into the kitchen at 4.30, bringing out everything he can find from the fridge.

He doesn't smile when he stuffs his face with leftover Nandos (718 calories), the pancakes Harry made the other day (500 calories), Nutella (1256 calories), and everything else he can find (calories. calories. calories.).  
  
He doesn't smile when he realises that he has eaten more than two thousand calories in less than an hour.

Niall feels fatter than he has in a very long time, and Niall has felt fat for quite some time. Taking one last bite of the pancake he knows what he got to do.

With quiet steps he runs up to his bathroom before pressing two fingers at the back of his throat and howls over the toilet.

Tears are running down his face hours later when he's crashed on the cold hard bathroom floor, sobbing out of pure exhaustion and disgust.

He's still lying there when he hears footsteps outside the bathroom.  
  
“Niall? Are you in there? We have to leave for the interview in 15.” Liam's voice is loud through the wooden door, it gives Niall a headache.  
  
“Uh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, okay I'll be there.” Niall replies with a more hoarse voice than he was expecting.

“You okay? You sound a bit rough?” Liam asks with a lower and more concerned voice.

Niall knows better than to panic in front of his boyfriend. His voice is rough but he can still sing. It's not like he has that many solos either way.

“I’m fine.” He says.

He’s always fine.

 

**xXx**

 

The day goes on; they have nothing but sofa-promos all day and at lunch time and when Harry suggests they go out for a curry (612 calories) Niall panics.

With heavy breaths and a heartbeat that pulses through his ears, numbing the world outside, Niall manages the excuse of meeting an old friend when the others go out for their lunch.

The boys let him go. Too easy for it to be brushed off. Too easy for Niall to fight the burning in his eyes.

Niall goes to a park close to the building where they have the promos but enough hidden that no one will pass by and recognise him.

Obviously he doesn’t really meet a friend. Obviously. Because who would want to spend their energy on him? Why would anyone be with him when he can’t even keep his boyfriends satisfied? They’ve been snapping at him _so_ much lately. Turned away from his his good morning kisses, laughed at him rather than with him when he’s done something clumsy, snapping at him when he’s just _too much_ and Zayn. Zayn’s done everything in his power to ignore him.

That’s why he stopped eating.

Because he needs his boys.

He needs to be good enough for them.

He takes out a pack of Marlboro Lights from his left pocket and lights up the first cigarette, planning on spending his lunch hour chain smoking. Niall is not stupid; he knows smoking is an awful habit to pick up. But when you’re on Tumblr at 3AM on a Tuesday, unable to sleep because your stomach is screaming louder than the thoughts in your head, you get desperate and when 3AM Tumblr tells you smoking helps to numb the feeling of hunger, you listen.

When Niall comes back his boyfriends are already sitting in the sofa, laughing and clapping their hands over a joke Niall is not in on. No one looks up when takes a seat beside Liam. 

The sofa is small, not built for five teenage boys but they always manage.

Or, they always _did_.

“Niall, scoot over a bit will you? You’re practically sitting on me.” Liam tells him over his shoulder, still facing Louis.

Niall can’t scoot over and he thinks Liam should know this. He’s pressed as much to the edge of the sofa as he can, but he still tries. He tries to shrink into nothingness, wishing he would have puked that celery stalk two days ago. Maybe that would have helped.

“I’m sorry-“ he begins when Liam finally turns towards him, distaste shadowing his face.

“Niall, what the fuck?! Have you been smoking? You smell disgusting.” He shouts, making all the other boys stop what they’re doing and looking at him for what feels like the first time in forever.

“I’m-“ He tries, looking down at his lap, feeling the flush on his cheeks. He doesn’t understand the problem; the only one not smoking in the band is Harry. What does it matter if Niall joins Zayn, Louis and Liam?

Liam doesn’t say anything for a while, just looking at his boyfriend with a look of disappointment that quickly changes to rage. He is so tried. He wants to shout and kick and scream but he can’t find the energy to do it. And there are too many people around him.

He decides to let it go, turning back to the rest of the boys with shallow breaths, he will deal with Niall later. Niall is a good punching bag when you need to let out steam.

 

**xXx**

 

Liam ignores Niall throughout the rest of the promo interviews, not even putting on a charade in front of the cameras.

Niall still doesn’t understand why he made Liam so mad.

The car ride home is excruciating. Louis and Harry are sitting in the front seat, Zayn and Liam in the middle and Niall, alone in the back.

Paul even gives him a sympathetic smile when they get a second worth of eye contact before climbing out of the car and into their flat complex, but that’s all he gets.

He goes straight to his bed when they get home. Even though they live together and sleeps in the same bed (they make it work somehow) all of them still has their own room for privacy, having four boyfriends gets a bit much after a while. Niall would know, the boys seems to think their relationship contains one too many.

Niall tries not to dwell on it too much, draping himself under his blankets, closing his eyes and trying to get his body heat back while fighting the endless dizziness he’s been feeling lately.  He keeps telling himself that his boyfriends love him. They’re all just stressed about promos and the release of their new album. He will keep losing weight and they will notice how beautiful he is without all his fat and everything will be good again. He’s almost positive about it.

 

**xXx**

 

If his body clock is anything to go by, it’s late night when Niall wakes up by a dark figure stumbling into his room.

“Liam?” He flinches, voice dulled by sleep. He wasn’t expecting anyone to come into his room.

Liam grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him up out of the bed, face up close to his. “You made me angry today, Niall.”

The look in Liam’s eyes forces a whimper out of Niall and the strong smell of alcohol makes him cringe away from his boyfriend as best as he can. “Liam, have you been drinking?”

His question remains unanswered and Liam’s fist connects with his face before he even sees it coming. It’s a harsh blow, right to the cheek and Niall’s eyes sting with tears as the ache spreads over the left side of his face. He whimpers at the pain.

Liam releases him and stares down at him, taking in what he’d done. His anger’s dissipated. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles out, too intoxicated to talk properly. “You just make me so angry.”

Niall looks up at him with question in his eyes.

Liam kneels down and ignores the way Niall flinches away slightly when he cradles his face in his hands. “You pretty worthless, you know, Niall. You’re just a slut in this relationship. Nothing but a joke and lately I’ve grown bored. Your presence annoys me.” His voice is soft, and Niall thinks his heart just shattered into a billion pieces.

Liam stands up and stumbles back to the door. “You understand, right Niall?”

“Okay.” Is all he manages to whimper back because speaking causes his face to hurt and a few tears to spill over his cheeks.

Niall doesn’t go back to bed after that.

Instead he scratches his arms roughly, knowing that a razor would leave marks too obvious. He does it again and again until his fingernails have broken his skin, leaving red angry marks all over

Slut.

He starts to punch and hit his stomach when his arms are too bloody and when that’s not enough he pulls his hair, wanting everything to bleed. And then he cries. The sobs are raw and make his whole body shake. He’s one hundred percent sure he looks like a whale, disgusting; his fat jiggles when he chokes on his tears.

He hits himself again and again until he’s sore all over, but he doesn’t just stop there. Niall takes off his hoodie (even though he’s freezing and he only has a short sleeved shirt beneath) and digs his nails in the skin of his arms, rougher than before. He only stops when he feels himself getting too dizzy to breathe.

 

**xXx**


	2. Chapter 2

**xXx**

 

He wakes up on the floor and everything is quiet.

Not even his stomach is grumbling.

He lies there for what feels like hours, staring up at the roof, pretending he’s dead. It works for a while.

It works until he can smell the dinner someone is cooking in the kitchen. It works until his body is screaming for the food.

Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s on his way down to the kitchen; planning on getting a cold glass of water to numb the hunger before going out on the roof to smoke his life away.

As soon as his foot hits the kitchen floor Liam, who’s standing by the stove, freezes.

He looks at Niall with the saddest, most heart-breaking eyes he’s ever seen. “Niall.” He begins before biting his lip.

“Niall. I am so, so, sorry.” He pleads before gasping and putting his hands over his mouth after seeing the sight in front of him.

Niall cheek is purple and bruised and Liam hadn’t noticed before but his cheeks are sunken and the dark rings under his eyes are clear against his pale skin.

“It’s okay Liam, I understand” Niall whispers, questioning the tears rolling down Liam’s cheeks.

“It’s not, Niall. It’s really not. What I did to you yesterday. I will never forgive myself. I was drunk and upset and I stepped out of line. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He cried.  
  
“It’s okay. I forgive you.” He says. “Slut. Joke. Worthless. Fat. Fat. Fat” He thinks.

Niall doesn’t dare to look up as he hears Liam approach him from the stove and he does his best not to flinch when the boy he doesn’t deserve hugs him.

“I made your favourite. Would you like some dinner?” He tries as he hugs Niall, not noticing how his already tense boyfriend freezes at the statement.

Niall tries to come up with an excuse when the rest of the boys emerges to the kitchen and distracts Liam enough for him to sneak out of the embrace and leave the subject.  
  
“Morning-. Niall what happened to you?” Harry gasps and runs to grab Niall’s cheeks in his hands.

“I, uhm. I.” Niall begins before Liam abrupt him.

“He fell down the stairs.” The older boy cringes.

“Always so clumsy aren’t you Niall?” Harry says, inspecting his bruised cheek with tender hands.

Niall wants to puke.

“Yeah, clumsy Niall” He tries to laugh but it comes out wrong; more like a choke.

If any of the boys notice, no one points it out. Harry just keeps inspecting the bruise while Louis rubs his back with a frown on his face and Liam standing beside them all, looking down at the floor.  
  
Zayn doesn’t say a word it hurts more than Niall is willing to admit. He misses Zayn. He misses his hugs; Zayn always knew how to make him feel better; he’d sing to him and kiss his nose and cuddle him so hard he could barely breathe, but it was exactly what he needed.

Now though, now he isn’t even looking at him and Niall can’t breathe. 

He’s been craving his boyfriends attention for so long now, and now when he finally gets it he wishes for nothing else but to go back to his room and hide under his blankets for the rest of eternity. 

He uses the excuse of having a headache and leaves his four boyfriends and the dinner (too many, far too many calories) alone in the kitchen. Ignoring the looks they give him as he slips out of the room and onto the roof.

  
No one stops him. They never do anymore.

 

**xXx**

 

The roof is one of Niall’s favourite places to be. It was there Harry admitted his feelings for the other boys. It was there Niall shyly responded that he felt the same way and the other boys agreed. It was there Zayn had cupped his cheek and kissed him for the first time, letting his eyes linger on him a second too long before smiling and going for his other three boyfriends. It was there one + one + one + one + one became five.

Niall feels like one right now. It leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

One.

The air is a bit chilly at this time. August is becoming September and Niall is thankful for the blankets the boys left at the roof. He wraps one around himself and cuddles down at one of the armchairs; looking out at the sunset over the London Eye.

It’s pretty ironic, he thinks.

How the days are the most beautiful when he is as ugly, shattered and used on the inside as you can get.

Niall sits there for hours. Letting the coldness bite him, it doesn’t bother him.

He can’t hurt more than he already is.

He sits there and remembers a time before all of this. Before he fucked up; when he was still important.

He remembers X-Factor, meeting four boys that made him feel like he had stars in his eyes and a whole solar system hidden behind his ribs. Hearing Zayn’s laugh and thinking it sounded a little bit like home. Listening to them harmonising and knowing this was right.

He remembers coming third and crying, wiping his tears on Louis’ jumper and the older boy whining because Harry had already gotten snot all over it and Liam changing their jumpers just so Louis would shut up for one goddamn minute. Zayn looking at the chaos that was his four best friends with a fond smile

He remembers signing the contract with Simon and moving to London with his boys. Spending their days making the big empty flat feel like home. Harry cooking and Louis doing the dishes at his side, bubbles everywhere. Liam’s puppy eyes making them watch Toy Story four times in a row and Zayn taking all of them up to the roof, drunk on Tesco’s cheapest wine and ending up on curled around each other under the stars, wondering if anyone on this dumb rock of a planet knows the real stories behind the millions of little white dots up there.

He remembers their first time. Liam’s lips and Louis’ tongue and Harry’s hands and Zayn’s heart all twisted up around him in the sheets of the same bed. Kisses and giggles and touches shared between the five with tender, careful hands. Feeling Zayn against his back and Harry against his stomach, holding Liam in one hand and Louis in the other as he’s curling up into dreams of selling out arenas and making his family proud.

He remembers having four boyfriends around him that looked at him like he was the world and stars and all the spaces in-between.

He remembers being happy.

But Niall fucked up

He took up too much space and ate too much and laughed too loudly and craved too many cuddles and now he’s  _one_.

 

**xXx**

 

Niall doesn’t notice Harry sitting down beside him on the armchair and when he finally does he chooses to ignore him.

He just wants to be alone right now.

“You look pale.” Harry’s worried voice sounds distant.

“Fuck. Off.” He says too calmly. A sudden feeling of anger flashing trough him

Who does Harry think he is? Shooting a bullet through Niall’s heart with every ignored “I love you”, with every forgotten kiss and with every distant touch. He has let Louis abuse him by words and Liam fucking hit him last night and Harry did nothing to stop this.

Niall is starving himself for Harry; he tries to not talk too much and does everything in his power to make his boyfriends love him again. And what does he get back? You look pale.

Grabbing the blanket around him, he decides to just leave before the adrenaline in his body makes him say something he’ll regret.

He doesn’t get far before Harry is in front of him, blocking the way.

“What’s wrong?”

“You want to know what’s wrong?” his voice sounds strange, maybe it’s because he’s never angry at any of them. “I’m done”

“Done with what?” Harry asks, surprised at the sudden outburst.

“With you. All of you.” The words feel like acid in his mouth, so he keeps talking in an attempt to get rid of it. “I’m done with being treated like nothing around you. And even worse, you and  _your_  boyfriends treat me like nothing but dirt. So Move Harry, I’m leaving.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry sounds annoyed.

Well, Niall is annoyed too.

“Doesn’t matter, you four don’t give a shit about anything but yourselves. Let. Me. Go.”

Harry doesn’t move.

“Fuck off!” he yells. Niall knows he probably looks like a lunatic, screaming and cursing, but he’s had enough. He can’t take it anymore.

“I’m sorry I’m worthless. I’m sorry I’m a slut. I’m sorry I’m a joke. I’m sorry I’m fat. I am so fucking sorry Harry.” He cries.

Niall takes the opportunity when Harry’s surprised eyes are looking at him.

He ducks under Harry’s arm and runs down the stairs and out of the flat. He passes the boys on his way out and ignores the shout of him to stop. He doesn’t know who it is. He doesn’t care.

He’s outside in a heartbeat.

Niall runs until he feels his legs burn; which is pretty quickly because he’s never been the runner type of guy. His stomach twists and aches and his vision starts to blur.

He doesn’t know if it’s hunger or the fact that none of them came running after him.

 

**xXx**

 

It’s after midnight and Niall is sitting at a swing at the playground.

He’s freezing out there and he knows he probably is going to catch a cold from being outside at this hour but Niall doesn’t care. He sits there, kicking the sand between his converse and breathes deeply several times.

It’s really quiet and he hates it; he hates it more than he has ever hated anything. And suddenly he’s not sad anymore, he’s not hurt, he’s on his feet and he’s angry. He’s angry at everyone and everything, at himself.

Niall has dealt with everything, sadness, pain, disgust, loneliness but he does not know what to do with that anger that is boiling in his head.

He needs to punch someone, but there’s no one to punch. There’s no one there and it’s driving him crazy.

Niall thinks if only one of them had come running behind him, then maybe he wouldn’t feel this way. If he just knew one of his boyfriends cared.

But they don’t and it makes him furious. It makes him outrageous. He’s not angry at any of them, maybe hurt, but not angry. He’s angry with himself.

He’s angry because he’s fat.

He’s angry because he’s worthless.

He’s angry because he’s a slut.

He’s angry because he’s a joke.

He’s angry because he has four boyfriends and he’s fucking lonely. 

 

**xXx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday today so I thought I'd give you guys an update. Happy new year my lovelies! I hope 2015 will be the best year of your lives this far and have wonderful day!

 

**xXx**

When Niall wakes up he doesn’t know where he is. He can’t fully remember what happened last night but he must have passed out somewhere between screaming until he was sure his lungs bled and having to sit down because of the hunger. 

He tries to look around in the dark room but his headache forces him to stay where he is. It takes a few seconds too long but soon enough he can smell the only thing he’s ever counted as safety and home.

Cigarettes, aftershave and bubble gum shampoo.

Zayn.

The older boy must have felt Niall waking up against his chest because he turns Niall around, carefully, like Niall is a porcelain doll of highest value.

“Zayn?” Niall croaks out, blinking slowly, trying to figure out whether this is a dream or not.

Zayn chuckles lightly, the smile not reaching his eyes and Niall realises that he must have voiced his thoughts out loud and blushes. 

“Hi Niall.” Zayn whispers back.

“Why am I in your bed?”

Now that Niall is more awake he is certain it is in Zayn’s room he is in. The MARVEL poster on the wall assures him of this.

He wonders where the other boys are, another bullet shooting through his heart at the thought of his boyfriends.

“Found you last night.” Zayn replies, a frown clear in his face.

“You.-“ He begins, before having to stop, clenching his eyes and putting his head back on the pillow, face facing the roof. “You looked pretty rough, Nialler.”

Niall can’t speak. He just stares at the dark haired boy beside him, not knowing whether he should cry or scream or run.

This isn’t happening. Zayn is breaking up with him. He looked “pretty rough”, in other words he’s a fucking whale and no one wants a boyfriend as disgusting as him.

He doesn’t even realise it but suddenly he’s crying, and he can’t stop. The tears are flooding down his cheeks, leaving dark marks on the grey jumper he’s wearing. He wants to scratch his skin again, make himself bleed until there is no skin left. Until there is no him left. 

Somewhere distant he hears Zayn’s voice, but the sound is mulled by his sobs. He doesn’t react to Zayn’s presence until the other boy puts his cheeks in his hands. 

The touch surprises him back into reality.  
  
“Niall.” He says, forcing the panicked boy to look at him.

“Niall, you need to calm down. You’re going to make yourself sick. Look at me. Breathe." 

It takes a few moments too long but eventually he can feel himself remembering how to breathe properly again after mimicking Zayn’s deep breaths.

“There we go. That’s it, in and out” Zayn repeats with a soothing voice.

When Niall finally calms down enough for Zayn’s hands on Niall’s cheeks to feel awkward, the older boy lets go and looks down in his lap.

“Niall-.” He tries before the younger boy interrupts him.

“Please don’t break up with me. Please don’t break up with me. Please don’t break up with me” He whimpers, shutting his eyes so hard it hurts. “Please.”

Niall is expecting Zayn to laugh in his face, telling him that he’s pathetic for thinking Zayn would ever want to be with a whale like him.

He’s expecting a slap on his cheek for taking Zayn’s time from his three better boyfriends.

What he isn’t expecting though, is what he sees when he carefully opens one of his eyes, hating to not know what Zayn was thinking since he hadn’t uttered a word in response to Niall’s plea.

Zayn is looking at him with the most broken eyes Niall has seen in his life.  
  
And Niall looks at himself in the mirror every day.

His eyes are glassy and he just stares at him.

A broken “Fuck.” is all he lets out. “I can’t believe I did this to you.” He whispers.

Niall is confused because Zayn has done nothing to him. He hasn’t even looked at him lately. He doesn’t have the time to try to figure out what Zayn means when the other boy starts to talk again.  
  
“Yesterday, when I carried you home, I. You. I could feel your bones. And you were so light, too light. Fuck, Niall. When was the last time you ate?” 

Zayn is lying. Niall knows he is. He’s lying because he carried him home and he felt bad for him. Felt bad for Niall being so fat and Zayn is a nice person, of course he would lie to try to make Niall feel better. Niall wants to die of shame. Zayn knows how disgusting he is. Zayn is breaking up with him because of it.

“I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happen if I hadn’t come looking for you. You were so pale and lifeless Niall, I thought you were dead.”  
  
Niall opens his mouth to respond. He wants to tell Zayn that it doesn’t matter. That everyone would be off better without him that he’s too selfish to live without them so maybe he just shouldn’t live at all. But Zayn beats him to it.  
  
“Niall, baby. Look at me.” He says softly, taking Niall’s hands in his own, the old nickname that he saved just for Niall slipping out, surprising both of them.

“I’m not going to break up with you, I love you. But you might want to after hearing this. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. I was selfish and I fucked up. I didn’t mean to let it get this far.” He begins as he bites his lower lip and looks down in his lap again. 

Zayn thinks Niall wants to break up with him? He can feel the burning in his eyes again, just by the mere thought. Niall is so confused and he wants nothing but to curl up under his sheets again and sleep for the rest of eternity.

Niall winces when Zayn puts his hand up to wipe his tears, obviously still not healed after what Liam had done to him.

Zayn notices the sudden change in Niall's mood and furrows his eyebrows as he lets his fingers grace Niall’s bruised cheekbone and jaw with tentative fingers.

The touch is gentle and Niall feels himself wanting to lean closer to it.

Niall can read Zayn's eyes better than anyone and he knows that look; Zayn is worried about him.

He is just about to tell him how he's fine. He's fine fine fine.And does not deserve Zayn's concern, when something changes in Zayn's eyes.

It's like something inside of him clicks and his eyes goes from copper brown to black within seconds.

“Who did this to you?” He asks a bit too harshly for Niall's liking.

Don't tell him, don't tell him, don't tell him.

Niall looks down in his lap and shrugs, trying his best to make sure he sounds casual and politely confused as to why Zayn wouldn't think everything was fine.

“No one,” he lies through his teeth, not even managing to convince himself.

“I told you, I fell down the stairs."

'He knows.' Niall thinks.

His heart is pounding in his chest. 'He knows I'm lying.'

“Bullshit. You tell me what happened right now.” Zayn spits, he looks a lot angrier than he did two minutes ago.

“That bruise is from a punch.” He breathes. "Someone hurt you Niall and I didn't even fucking realise." His eyes are closed now and he kind of looks like he wants to scream.

“Baby you need tell me what's going on.” Zayn pleas, sitting up and closer towards Niall on the bed.

Niall swallows.

“Zayn, please, it’s nothing,” He whispers.

“It’s my fault. I’m alright. He didn’t mean to, he was drunk.

"Who, Niall? I just don't underst-."

He breaks off the sentence without saying another world.

He just stares at Niall for one long moment, long enough for Niall to grow nervous, long enough for him to feel his tears prickling at his eyes. He stubbornly refuses to let them fall.

“That fucker. The stairs huh?”

Zayn says in a venomous tone.

Before Niall can process what has happened, Zayn is on his feet and runs off to the lounge area.

It takes a few moments too long for Niall to understand that he needs to follow.

When he stands up, it's too quick and he gets so dizzy he feels like he could throw up.

He makes a mental note to allow himself a carrot later and chases after him, praying that Liam isn’t home.

He catches up to Zayn just outside the far-too-big lounge where Louis, Harry and unfortunately Liam are watching The Avengers.

The second Zayn's eyes lands on Liam, the world stops.

And Niall wants to die a little bit .

Liam looks at the two boys who just barged in through the door with a confused frown on his face.

"Zayn, Niall. What's going on?" He manages to ask before Zayn throws himself at the younger boy.

"How dare you touch him like that? You were drunk? Bullshit. You took it too far. How fucking could you." Zayn screams while looking down at the still seated boy.

Niall thinks he's never seen Liam so pale. "Don't you ever fucking lay another finger him again." For every word he spoke Zayn brought down a stronger punch, aiming for Liam's jaw.

"He told me it was his fault you know, that /you/ were drunk. What the fuck Liam? This was not a part of the deal."

Zayn is just about to throw another punch when his hands are being kept back and he is pulled away by Harry's strong grip.

Zayn kicks, fights and screams for Harry to let him go, aiming for Liam who's now on the floor; clutching his jaw.

"Zayn, you need to calm down." Harry whispers in his ear, holding a death grip on the older from behind.

"Let me go." Zayn uses his whole body to try to get out Harry's grip.

He's not done with Liam quite yet.

"Zayn that's enough. Please, we'll deal with Liam and you worry about Niall instead."

Upon hearing those words Zayn stops right in his tracks and looks over to the other boy on the ground.

Niall is sitting at the floor, back rested against the sofa with his head in his lap.

He wishes he had eaten something that morning because he literally feels sick.

And he wishes he could just puke it all out.

Puke his life and his boyfriends and his self, out.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself when he looks up.

The boys have stop fighting and Niall locks his eyes with Zayn.

Zayn looks furious, angrier than Niall has ever seen him before but when his eyes reaches Niall they soften at once .

Niall tries to call out to him but feels himself falling into darkness instead. Unable to control the situation, he sinks down lower on the floor and passes out.

 

**xXx**

 

Everything is white.

So blindingly white Niall has to squint to clear his vision.

He had never really believed in heaven but he figures it’s not too bad; just very white and maybe a bit too sterile for his liking

He groans at the ache in his body, confused as to why he felt pain in heaven. 

Slowly, he turns his head to the side to examine his surroundings, ignoring the pounding in his head. There are machines, one keeping track of his heart rate; that much he knows from the endless Grey’s Anatomy marathons Harry always made him watch

So maybe not heaven then.

He moves to sit up, though immediately falling back on the bed he’s in as he feels as if he had been punched in the neck.

He takes a moment to compose himself, waiting for the pain to fade out before taking it easier this time, sitting up slowly and cautiously.

It isn’t hard for Niall to conclude that he is in the hospital, but it doesn’t make sense. The last thing he remembers is seeing Zayn beating Liam close enough to death.

He doesn’t have more time to think about his boyfriends when a familiar shape comes in through the door, holding a cup of coffee.

“Zayn.

The older boy looks down at him; bags clear under his red swollen eyes. He takes a seat on the chair beside Niall’s bed and takes his pale hand in his own. 

“Zayn what happened?” Niall croaks out, looking at his older boyfriend with pleading eyes.  
  
What happened?

_How is Liam?_  
  
Where are the others?

_Why am I in a hospital?_  
  
“When was the last time you ate Niall?” Zayn whispers, as if he’s scared that talking louder will break the blond boy. “Your- Your body is so weak. You fainted baby.” 

Niall doesn’t respond to his question, because how can he. 

When was the last time he ate? Last week maybe? 

Instead voices the thoughts about the three remaining boys, where the most important people in his life are when he needs them the most.

Zayn is quiet. He looks down in his lap and starts inspecting his fingernails very thoroughly. Too thoroughly. Enough for Niall to know that something is wrong. 

Very wrong.

More wrong than Liam hitting him, Louis commenting on everything wrong with his whole being and Harry, well, Harry not being Harry around him.

“Where are they?” Niall asks again, with more force this time. Though the raising of his voice tires him so that he has to close his eyes and his head down on the pillow again.  
  
Breathe in.  
  
Breathe out.  
  
Repeat.

“Niall. Baby. I have something to tell you. And I’m so sorry, please believe me.” He says, still holding Niall’s hand in his.

He takes a deep breath before continuing. 

“Five weeks ago I walked in on Aiden Grimshaw balls deep in Louis in his room.” Zayn starts. 

No. 

“I didn’t know what to do so I told Liam and.” 

Pause.

“And he was okay with it, told me he was thinking about giving Danielle another go, not being able to stop thinking about turning her down for us during the X-Factor days.”

No, No, No!

“The three of us talked and Harry came in, having overheard us and I guess he just weren’t really into the relationship anymore because he told us he was ready to see other people.” Zayn whispers, not looking at Niall as he speaks.

_Breathe in._

Breathe out.  
  
Repeat 

“I.- We didn’t know how to tell you.” He continues and Niall is not so sure he’s breathing anymore.

“So, I guess we just didn’t. We didn’t want to hurt you so Louis came up with the idea of getting you to break up with, uhm, _us_ , instead.”

Niall understands why it’s called heartbreak now because he’s quite sure his heart literally just broke. It probably stopped working altogether, falling apart like a billion puzzle pieces and the middle one being gone.

“It all went overboard and instead of doing this so you wouldn’t get hurt, you became a punching bag and believe me Niall, I hate myself for not doing anything to stop all of this sooner.” Zayn cries, slowly looking down at the pale boy on the hospital bed.

_Breathe in._  
  
Breathe out. 

_Repeat._

Niall is not sure when he started but suddenly he catches himself screaming his lungs out.

He’s quite sure it’s a side effect of having your heart smashed.

He screams and he scratches his arms, he hits his stomach, he pulls his hair and he cries, not noticing the nurses running in and Zayn being pulled out of the room.

He doesn’t hear Zayn’s broken “I’m sorry.”


End file.
